November 26, 2020 in Dag

I’m very zen about my hangups and neuroses

Here’s an interesting fact about me that you may never have known (though if you’ve read this blog carefully for a while, you may have guessed it). I’m kind of messed up. Kind of hung up and neurotic.

I stress about things. I overthink. I spend hours awake at night worrying about thing I have absolutely no control about.

When I’m around people, I feel like I need to be constantly on guard. I have to listen closely to what everyone says, just to be sure I’m not missing some kind of nuance or slight. And I have to take care of everything I say. I have to consciously vet every word that comes out of my mouth, to ensure I don’t say the wrong thing or provide the wrong impression about what I really mean.

Meeting new people is the worst. I’ve got no idea what they’re about, or what their motives might be. I have to be extra careful not to misread and get them completely wrong. And I also have to have all senses on full alert to ensure I don’t give the wrong impression about who I am.

Everything in my life needs careful interpretation and analysis. Every conversation I have. Everything I read or watch. Everything I do. Nothing can be left to chance. Everything must be carefully considered.

I can tell you, it’s hard work being me.

But here’s the thing. I’m kind of cool about it. I’ve accepted that this is who I am and how I’m going to continue living my life.

Every night, when I can’t sleep for tossing over the problems of the world, I take a deep breath and tell myself it’s ok. Every time I’m involved in some angst-ridden conversation, I step back and remind myself there’s nothing wrong with overthinking every word being said. Every time I struggle to make sense of things, and find myself incapable of making a decision, or even determining what I think, I relax and tell myself it’s completely reasonable.

At this point in my life, I feel like I’ve reached a state of blissful acceptance of my messed up mental state. I consider myself to be very zen about all my hangups and neuroses. I could sit still for hours, calmly meditating about the tense and anguished condition of my mind.

Just another one of the marvellous contradictions of being me. And why I don’t think I could ever be anybody else.

Posted by and tagged as

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *