Here’s an interesting fact about me that you may never have known (though if you’ve read this blog carefully for a while, you may have guessed it). I’m kind of messed up. Kind of hung up and neurotic.
I stress about things. I overthink. I spend hours awake at night worrying about thing I have absolutely no control about.
When I’m around people, I feel like I need to be constantly on guard. I have to listen closely to what everyone says, just to be sure I’m not missing some kind of nuance or slight. And I have to take care of everything I say. I have to consciously vet every word that comes out of my mouth, to ensure I don’t say the wrong thing or provide the wrong impression about what I really mean.
Meeting new people is the worst. I’ve got no idea what they’re about, or what their motives might be. I have to be extra careful not to misread and get them completely wrong. And I also have to have all senses on full alert to ensure I don’t give the wrong impression about who I am.
Everything in my life needs careful interpretation and analysis. Every conversation I have. Everything I read or watch. Everything I do. Nothing can be left to chance. Everything must be carefully considered.
I can tell you, it’s hard work being me.
But here’s the thing. I’m kind of cool about it. I’ve accepted that this is who I am and how I’m going to continue living my life.
Every night, when I can’t sleep for tossing over the problems of the world, I take a deep breath and tell myself it’s ok. Every time I’m involved in some angst-ridden conversation, I step back and remind myself there’s nothing wrong with overthinking every word being said. Every time I struggle to make sense of things, and find myself incapable of making a decision, or even determining what I think, I relax and tell myself it’s completely reasonable.
At this point in my life, I feel like I’ve reached a state of blissful acceptance of my messed up mental state. I consider myself to be very zen about all my hangups and neuroses. I could sit still for hours, calmly meditating about the tense and anguished condition of my mind.
Just another one of the marvellous contradictions of being me. And why I don’t think I could ever be anybody else.
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