September 10, 2020 in Dag

My midlife crises have had midlife crises

I’m not going to tell you my age. Though I’ve gradually become more comfortable about revealing my innermost feelings on this blog, there are some things that are still too private. Admittedly, some of my cultural references might give the game away, just a little.

Anyway, enough of this rabbitting on. There is a reason I bring up the subject of my age. It’s because I have now been on this earth for long enough to have reached that stage when I would be considered most at risk of suffering a midlife crisis.

You’d think I’d be worried. You’d think I’d be nervous about waking up one morning, overwhelmed with existential angst, craving for deeper meaning in my life, and yearning for ways to reconnect with my long-lost youth.

Only, you’d be way wrong.

I hold no fears about midlife crises. I’m not at all concerned that my self-image and self-worth will come to a screaming halt, and I’ll suddenly feel the need to change my career or buy a shiny new car, or do something else sad and predictable to try and lift my ego. And there’s a very good reason for this.

Because I’ve been doing this pretty much all of my life.

Ever since I reached my adult years, I’ve had those feelings of angst. Actually, to be honest, it probably predates my adult years. Ever since my teenage years. Or maybe ever since my preteen years. Anyway, I think you get the picture.

I suppose you couldn’t exactly call it a midlife crisis if I wasn’t actually in the middle of my life, but that’s what it felt like. A creeping sense that there should be more to life, and time is getting away from me. I’ve done plenty of the cliched things. I’ve quit my job, more than once. I’ve fled overseas. I’ve taken up a musical instrument. I suppose this whole writing thing has something to do with it.

Midlife crisis to me isn’t just something to be negotiated at a certain point in my life. It’s more like a lifestyle choice. I’ve been operating in midlife crisis mode for so long, I reckon my midlife crises have had midlife crises. And those midlife crises are probably starting to negotiate crises of their own.

Sometimes it’s useful. It can certainly be a driver motivating me to get things done. For instance, at the moment it’s pushing me really hard to get my latest novel done.

But other times, I really wish I could just let go and relax.

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