Here we go again. Time for me to find something to whinge and complain about. Time to give free rein to my grumpy side.

So what topic can I find to grumble about today? I’ve got it. The perfect candidate.

Cooking shows.

My goodness cooking shows irk me. I can’t tell you just how much they annoy me.

I can’t even tell you what irritates me the most. Is it the never-ending footage of people standing over stoves, as if this is meant to be the height of televisual entertainment? Is it the fatuous comments the contestants make in those little vox pops to camera they do, which generally focus on stating the obvious or repeating the most overused cliches? No, if I really think about it, I reckon it’s the judging.

There is truly nothing more annoying than the moment the judges receive that carefully ‘plated’ meal. They look at it as if they’ve just been delivered a major work of art by a grand master. And then they cut their little portions, so carefully, so delicately. And finally, they take a bite.

They roll the food over in their mouths. Close their eyes and chew just a little bit seeking for that tiny, significant, sliver of flavour. It’s a major endeavour, like marking a densely written academic essay or reviewing the fine points of a political speech. And then they pick it apart, like a great sage imparting wisdom to the rest of us, uneducated and unworthy that we are.

And all the while, as they’re going through this charade I just want to scream at the television.

“C’mon, guys, it’s just protein, fat and carbs.”

Now let me just say at this point that I’m not opposed to food. I’m not even opposed to good food. I love going to restaurants and having delicious and interesting meals, particularly the type that would not be cooked at home.

But this, to me, is just taking it too far. I find this analysing of food to the nth degree, this seeking for the tiniest nuances of flavour, is getting to the point of fetishistic. In this day and age, with so much going on in the world, to spend so much time focussed on this narrow idea of what food should be seems ridiculously decadent.

But, as usual, I suppose I’m swimming against the tide. These shows must be popular, otherwise networks wouldn’t keep screening them. Which means that lots of people out there must share this attitude towards food.

So, now I’ve got this grumble off my chest I’ll go back to my writing. I’ll continue to spend hours analysing and picking apart the words I produce. And I’ll continue to enjoy my protein, fat and carbs.